dialogues manifested

The only statements written verbatim are the first and the last. Everything in between is sub-text, conversation fragments, and imagination.

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Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I’m kinda pissed about our conversation yesterday because you’re giving me mixed signals. You said that you don’t want a relationship, but your actions don’t say “I just want to be friends.”

What do you mean?

For example, the good-bye kiss this morning that you leaned in to give me. That’s not something that just friends do.

What’s wrong with that? I thought that would have been a nice gesture and you would’ve liked it. You usually kiss me goodbye when you leave, so I thought I’d do the same.

Yes, it was a nice gesture, and I did appreciate it. But I kiss you goodbye because I’m comfortable with this interaction being romantic. I’m attracted to you. I have feelings for you. I thought this was going somewhere.

So you’re pissed off because I gave you a kiss before I left this morning? 

No, I originally got pissed because I didn’t get morning sex, you didn’t make the bed, and then you left your clothes on the floor, but that’s not what this is about. This about you acting in opposition of your statements. On my birthday, I asked if that night was a date and your response was “Well…yeah. I thought the first and second times we met up were also dates. When you meet someone off a dating site it’s assumed that you’re going on a date.” We’ve been meeting up 1-2 times a week for the past eight weeks. So, by your definition, we’ve been “dating”.

Ok, I see your point, but I also said that I wanted to take it slow emotionally, just like you wanted to take it slow physically. I enjoy spending time with you. I’m comfortable with you, and yes, I do have feelings for you. I think we have connection. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that we end up being in a romantic relationship with one another.

But if you’re not interested in a relationship, then why is there any need to take anything slow? If you just want to be friends then why do you kiss me? Why did you intertwine your fingers with mine while we were watching the movie at Rick & Troy’s? Why the fuck do you invite yourself over to spend the night every weekend? And I have obviously been treating you in a more-than-friendly manner, so why I haven’t you called me out on it? When we were at your house you said you would be ok if things got to the point where we were exclusive!

I’m attracted to you so, naturally, I want to be physical with you; and like you said, “guys dive in dick first”— that comes out after we’ve been hanging out for several hours and things are comfortable and I’m feeling good. But on our first date, I told you that when I first moved to Columbia, I wasn’t interested in a relationship and I still don’t think I am. I didn’t make plans or communicate well the other day because I feel pressured (by me, not by you). It makes me not want to hang out or communicate. I want to be able to do whatever I want to when I want to.

Dude, I understand your desire to do whatever the fuck you want. I feel the same way. But if that’s your primary concern, then we need to have a polyamory conversation, not a I-never-wanted-a-relationship conversation, because at this point you have definitely led me to believe that something romantic is happening between us. If a relationship is not something you want, then you need to make that clear right now and our current dynamic needs to change immediately. There is nothing official between us and there have been no declarations of exclusivity. The only one feeling pressured and applying internal pressure is you.

I’m going to need to digest that for a little bit.

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It’s amazing how much better I feel after writing that.