up dates

I am an avid list-maker.

At home, I have a wish list of things to buy with my paycheck, a list of topics for a guest post on Jeanne’s blog, a wish of desired characteristics for my next partner. At work I have a list of things I need to do, and a list of things I need to follow-up on. Lists remind me and keep me straight. Help me focus.

Most recently added is the “what was is the point of holding out?” list. Things with Clay are going so well that I’m confused. I have been holding out on sex and things are still developing between us. He respects my desire to take it slow and is ok with things becoming exclusive, if they get there. I’d like to say I’m not rushing into a relationship, but I can’t deny that I want one and that I’ve wanted one for awhile. And the more I get to know him, the more surprised I am at how well we sync. And the more afraid I get.

It’s a high-risk situation now because feelings are growing deeper. And I know when we do have sex, it will be awesome. And I will definitely be attached. There is already a level of attachment occurring that makes me seek other dates/partners just so I’m not focused on him. What if it goes wrong?

So where does the list come in? Part of me thought i made the list so I could make sure I was emotionally stable enough to give up the goods without being emotionally attached or involved. But the complete opposite is happening. Our relationship is developing and he is simply ok with me and what I need and how I feel. And he still wants to spend time with me. So, I’m thinking, If I give it up now, while the stakes are relatively low, it’ll hurt less when things fall apart. I’m already getting attached and sex isn’t involved, so things will only get “worse” when sex does happen. I needed a reminder of why I’m holding out; but unfortunately, the longer I hold out, the more dangerous it seems. I’m starting to feel like it will never be safe to have sex with him until I know we’re going to be serious.

As a side note, I went to a show by myself tonight to see Yosef and got to see a brand spanking new band called Embracer. Badass. Kind of reminds me of Black Party Politics. And Hunter hugged me. Shit. The fact that he recognized me and remembered me is awesome–in addition to the fact that this was the first show I’ve dared to venture out to alone.

I should also mention that I’ve been meds-free for almost a month and am encroaching on my period. Lets hope for continued stability.